Two Secrets to Combating Social Anxiety

These secrets to becoming more sociable go beyond habits and communicative techniques and just getting used to talking to people. We all have deep-rooted instincts that prevent a lot of healthy communication when allowed to take full control of us. Think of instincts like a second personality. Pretend you have multiple personality disorder, and one of those guys is trying to push your primary personality out and take charge of you. That's what social anxiety is, & there is a way to get control of it.

Social anxiety initially comes from that old, primitive need to survive and protect yourself. But it can get out of hand. Even those people who seem to have an easy time talking and fluttering about the room like a butterfly at parties and events still privately battle with residual from time to time. It's natural. Some of us fight it so hard we end up repressing it way, way down within ourselves, only to have it peek up at us in our dreams and nightmares. That's what I do. I'll get to that in a minute.

The two biggest secrets to combating social anxiety is learning to genuinely love people, and shedding the constant need to appear in total control of ourselves. In loving people, we have to learn to accept and admire humanity despite flaws and imperfections. We have to practice compassion, even in the wake of people hanging onto bad habits like the kind of jealousy and insecurity that causes us pain. While we may not like it or feel remotely agreeable, we can learn to understand. We must let go of expectations, which is a real bugger. It takes this kind of non-judgmental understanding and patience to love another person in more completion. And only then can we relax our own feelings of irritation towards humanity. Once those feelings are relaxed, it's easier to open ourselves up to communication.

Becoming vulnerable is the second trick. Learning to be vulnerable and embrace our native innocence is a magical, powerful thing. When we can give up our need to appear stronger and in more control than everyone else, something incredible happens. We earn trust. I'll share with you my own fear of sociability to expose my weakness as an example. (I like to make myself become that example behind everything I claim to believe in.) Last night I had a dream. It was a dream in which my insecurity showed its hideous face to me once again. During my waking hours, I can make myself believe I don't have social anxiety. But my subconscious has other ideas.

I was taking a walk through a house (another house dream) with a lot of antique and dilapidated things wasting away. There were people here and there, I was accompanying one of them, nothing eventful going on. Just calm and relatively quiet. I had to pass through a room, and my companion was suddenly no longer by my side. As I entered, I saw a snake living in an immeasurably deep pool of water in the center of the room. The snake was very aware of my presence, watching me intently, and immediately going into predatory mode. I made it out of the room before the snake attacked me. I found myself having to walk through this room several times during the dream, always terrified of passing by the snake. Once, as I entered the room, the snake simply watched me, then dove down into its water, and spit out the two stumped feet of a little girl, still encased in her Mary Jane styled, black patent shoes and white lace socks. I saw the blood and the bones showing from her feet, evidence the snake had completely devoured the little girl, all except for her feet. The snake had purposefully thrown these feet out of its pit and looked at me as if to say, “Look at me. I did this. I will kill you, too.” Full of fear and panic, I flung myself towards the door and exited the room as fast as I could.

This was clearly a dream in which I was telling myself I still had some work to do on becoming comfortable in letting down my guard and allowing my true spirit and personality to blossom in public eyes. The child was my own innocence. The snake was always watching me, and represented the eyes of those who do in waking life. I am apparently still very afraid of exposing my deepest, truest feelings and personality to those around me in the suspicion that the most innocent parts of my nature will be eaten up and spit back out at me. And I do not want to lose my innocence. Exposing my innocence to those who wish to annihilate it would render me lost to my own soul. I love innocence. I'm attracted to a touch of naivety. To lose this, to me, is the depressing moment in which the last of the romance left in this world fades away and out. It's the moment in which my innermost dreams and hopes die. And now I have shared, publicly, one of my biggest fears.

I believe this has a lot to do with a part of social anxiety I hang onto in which I believe showing my true nature will simply have me destroyed. Sort of like a public burning at stake, but emotionally instead of physically. Apparently, I have a big problem with trust. Now that I know, what do I do? And this is the mirrored, ongoing struggle all of us as humans have in our journeys towards becoming more experienced, and hopefully better, people. I am no more advanced in the ways of social grace than any other. We all have our issues. Remembering that when engaged in social situations can help us all ease up on ourselves and each other, and get rid of social anxiety. In other words, we're in this together.

These two tricks are extremely helpful if you find social anxiety to be a serious problem. Nothing incredibly good ever comes that easy. All of us have put effort into these things and have placed ourselves right smack in the fire at least once in an effort to get past our weaknesses. Easy is doing nothing. Easy leads to lazy, and lazy leads to depression. So, two tricks: Unconditional love for strangers, and being okay with showing vulnerability. Being okay with not appearing perfect. Another example of not appearing perfect: do you realize what makes an actor shine and attract the most attention during their roles? What makes them outstanding actors and storytellers? It's being vulnerable on screen. It's their ability to let go of trying to look good and opt to look real instead. The ability to immerse themselves completely in what they are doing. To truly act is to not act at all. It's to find that part of you that's actually real- that identifies with the character being portrayed. We all have more in common than we think. Great actors just have the added duty of diving into the abyss of their souls and pulling out all the treacherous aspects of humanity, too. And when they do? That's the moment in which the rest of us find a respect in watching that actor tell their story. Practice that method of letting go and bringing out that vulnerable and real part of you in your own life. (Not the pretending to be another character part- just losing the fear of being vulnerable.) It's going to give you some pretty surprising results.

I haven't always been capable of outwardly expressing myself, either. It took a big effort and a long time. Nobody's born with the ability to charm and influence in an attractive way. This is something that has to be learned and perfected. Those who seem intuitively adept at it simply acquired more experience at some point. To keep practicing it eventually polishes a person so charming and influential they appear to be “naturals”. Don't be fooled, though. They did put effort into this along the course of their lives. So for anyone who's struggling with social anxiety and isn't content to sit back on the sidelines forever, there's plenty of potential for change there. I was once a kid so terrified & distrusting of people I'd hide in elementary school bathrooms just to avoid walking into a classroom. Now I love attending social events and introducing myself to strangers. I managed a complete 180, even with my stubborn attitude and severity of distrust (which I still have to a degree).

I wanted to share these thoughts on the fight against social anxiety after having my dream of a predatory snake last night, and feeling first thing this morning like I was being pushed to communicate again by that invisible entity who must exist only to prod me into constant action, regardless of my desire to roll up like a mill bug in warm covers and sleep all Sunday. Whatever this entity or bizarre feeling of a presence is, it sure does like to nag at me.