Medieval Times Sucked
I don't know why there is so much fantasy and over-romanticizing of medieval life. It charges songs, novels, and people even dress up in chain mail and pretend they're stabbing stuff. I've honestly never been attracted to the idea. I hate the whole knight in shining armor thing. My head can't force itself to fantasize something it knows wasn't true. Knights were usually assholes. Was there really a knight who did something nice for a female back then? I highly doubt it. Knights were the King's police force. When they showed up, they usually took your money or your wife or threw you in jail. Oh yeah.. or they killed you. These guys weren't allowed to be hitting on the King's wife, either. And what if that particular King had mental issues and couldn't deal with the fact that his wife might be a hottie? He might have murdered a knight who looked sideways at her on the wrong day. So I'll bet those guys were really careful and usually didn't have anything to do with a King's woman. Or women.
There is no such thing as a Knight in shining armor coming to rescue a damsel in distress. What a load of Snow White horse shit. Oh, how I hate medieval stories. Castles are cool, but they were really drafty and cold. People stayed sick. Enemies catapulted rotting animals over the walls. Everybody was really dirty. And as for enjoying the spoils of being a soldier on days off, well don't think those ladies of the evening didn't have some rotten teeth and skanky STDs. I'll bet everyone's breath was off the charts. Baths were scarce. Nobody shaved, and women didn't have tampons. My god, what a disgusting era of existence. I'm so glad I didn't live back then.
You'd have been imprisoned for debt, burned at stake for being weird, and there was no birth control. Everyone had litters instead of a couple of healthy kids. And half of them died, so that kinda blows, too. These are the kinds of things I immediately think about when someone mentions knights in shining armor or nobly taking over a castle.
I came from a musical family. We were performing on stage when we were little, and my mother was recording folk and country songs. She's even got records in the Smithsonian. I know about some folk songs. One of those old songs was about a dude in the middle ages trying to date some King's daughters. Mr. King had seven of them. The jerk would ask one girl out, get her to a river, make her take off her jewelry and fine clothes to rob her, then drown her in the water. He went through six sisters. When he got to the seventh one, she turned it around on him and killed him instead. Then she snuck back to the castle to go to sleep before daddy found out. That sounds closer to a real medieval story to me.
Yeah, I'm sorry, but I've never been very good at building up a fantasy in my brain that I can't really get behind. I can try if I've just watched an episode of Game of Thrones or something, because Nikolaj Coster-Waldau is really hot- but it will usually go sour before anything really happens. And then I'm just fantasizing about watching him practice his lines in a trailer on set somewhere. Because that medieval based bologne sucks! (Wasn't GoT supposed to be sort of medieval? There are castles and Kings and stuff..) (And why do I keep capitalizing Kings?)
There is no such thing as a Knight in shining armor coming to rescue a damsel in distress. What a load of Snow White horse shit. Oh, how I hate medieval stories. Castles are cool, but they were really drafty and cold. People stayed sick. Enemies catapulted rotting animals over the walls. Everybody was really dirty. And as for enjoying the spoils of being a soldier on days off, well don't think those ladies of the evening didn't have some rotten teeth and skanky STDs. I'll bet everyone's breath was off the charts. Baths were scarce. Nobody shaved, and women didn't have tampons. My god, what a disgusting era of existence. I'm so glad I didn't live back then.
You'd have been imprisoned for debt, burned at stake for being weird, and there was no birth control. Everyone had litters instead of a couple of healthy kids. And half of them died, so that kinda blows, too. These are the kinds of things I immediately think about when someone mentions knights in shining armor or nobly taking over a castle.
I came from a musical family. We were performing on stage when we were little, and my mother was recording folk and country songs. She's even got records in the Smithsonian. I know about some folk songs. One of those old songs was about a dude in the middle ages trying to date some King's daughters. Mr. King had seven of them. The jerk would ask one girl out, get her to a river, make her take off her jewelry and fine clothes to rob her, then drown her in the water. He went through six sisters. When he got to the seventh one, she turned it around on him and killed him instead. Then she snuck back to the castle to go to sleep before daddy found out. That sounds closer to a real medieval story to me.
Yeah, I'm sorry, but I've never been very good at building up a fantasy in my brain that I can't really get behind. I can try if I've just watched an episode of Game of Thrones or something, because Nikolaj Coster-Waldau is really hot- but it will usually go sour before anything really happens. And then I'm just fantasizing about watching him practice his lines in a trailer on set somewhere. Because that medieval based bologne sucks! (Wasn't GoT supposed to be sort of medieval? There are castles and Kings and stuff..) (And why do I keep capitalizing Kings?)
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