Clearing Up My Behavior. Hypocrite, or Complex?
Sometimes, regardless of how much you want to stay quiet about personal politics and/or opinions, it seems there comes a time when clarification is needed. I guess it's that time. ⏳ For everything.. turn, turn, turn... 🎵
So.. wanna get to know the real me?
Yes, I'm building my own house. And I'm not interested in marriage. But I'm not an extremist of the feminist movement who has a problem with men helping me, opening doors for me, or even hitting on me. I find it flattering and don't assign expectations to it. I'm not opposed to admitting when I'm not physically or financially capable of accomplishing what I'm trying to do. I don't turn away help from men when I need it. I don't get defensive to offers, but that rarely happens. I have an uncle who is confused as to why I don't have more guys helping me with physical endeavors for free simply because I am a single woman. I do understand his bewilderment, as he's protective of me and sees me struggling. I'm his niece and he loves me. There's no use in explaining to him that times have changed though, and our current state of politics has made that sort of thing impossible anymore. I appreciate the feminist movement very much. It has accomplished some good things. But I've noticed some extremist groups have broken off in the process, and there's this human phenomena of "jumping on the bandwagon" and blowing things out of proportion. Especially when those behaviors are derived from grouping everyone into hardened categories with no breathing room. And so, our society has changed again. The boys growing into men today feel like they're treading on dangerous waters by simply striking up a conversation with a woman, so they generally don't even do that anymore. Forget trying to help one do something physical, or simply open a door. This all saddens me. I liked having doors opened for me.
While I am not remotely happy about being abused due to my small stature and gender, I am depressed as hell that the gentlemanly drive of old to help and protect women is disappearing. There's a difference. I like being taken up for and protected. I can't always do it myself. And it comes from a place of respect, not belittlement. I think people are getting the instinctual drive to be compassionate confused with misogyny. That's scary to me.
I'm also not too egotistical to admit that men and women are not entirely equal at all levels. I've met very physically strong women capable of things I could never imagine, but not all of us are built that way. I'm 5'4" and 115 pounds. My bones are weak and I have to be careful. I am not equally capable of things a 200 lb, 6 foot tall man can do. So when one of them offers to help me raise a wall or carry a stack of lumber, I'm not going to say no. I appreciate it immensely. Heck, if a giant woman offered to carry that lumber, I'd be just as grateful.
Before two years ago, I was sporting dreadlocks. This was because I'm a Dutch Scott, and my hair is horrendously kinky and thin. I have a lot of it, but it's prone to tangles and fuzz. It dreaded on its own and was turning into something akin to the mud flaps of a truck. I had to either spend over an hour every day getting the tangles out and straightening it, or have it locked up. I chose the latter. And although I did this so I'd not have to be bothered in the mornings with a full hour of hair taming time, there arose several assumptions about me. I was accused of racial appropriation, I was marked a vegan, and people automatically jumped to the conclusion I was smoking copious amounts of weed. I am far from being vegan. I tried it once, and lost so much weight my breasts totally disappeared and I got so weak I couldn't lift myself out of bed. I couldn't financially afford to be vegan in a healthy way, and I've already got a disabling condition that requires a hell of a lot of protein and calcium. (I beg those awestruck on veganism to please refrain from schooling me on how to become vegan and get the appropriate amount of protein.. I'm a special case- and frankly, I don't care as much as you might.)
I don't smoke weed at all; it doesn't make me feel good like it seems to for everyone else who praises it. I become paranoid and feel like killing. It's not a good mix.
I love nature and prefer to live out in the raw romanticism of it as opposed to a giant mansion in Beverly Hills. But loving nature doesn't make me an animal activist, and I have no problem using factory derived building materials. While it looks as though I'm some kind of tough woman out in the wild in small video snippets, building my own home is literally killing me. I live with serious chronic pain that would totally debilitate most people. I don't have the stamina or the physical strength for mixing cob & shaping my walls by hand. I don't have the funds for much reclaimed wood since it's become popular now and the prices have skyrocketed. I don't like mentioning this, as it sounds whiny. So I usually don't, and people don't know and can only come to their own private assumptions as to what I'm doing and why. One drawback to the new trend of earth friendly building is that it has driven up the market value. And this only one way in which economics work. Economics can be complicated, and even good things can have bad consequences. It's a crazy world with no concrete answers.
I don't believe anyone's saving the world by refraining from meat consumption. I don't like factory meat production plants. They're reprehensible. What goes on in those places is quite disgusting and turns my stomach. I'll go shoot a deer, though. And I'll pay a local hunter for meat he's acquired. I'll trap a rabbit and make stew out of it. I'll wring the neck of a chicken and make soup for days. I believe this is a little more merciful than what goes on in a chicken factory. I also believe that plants feel just as much when we maim and kill them as animals do. Why do we believe that a plant can't feel or express, and is a lesser kill than an animal? Because they're quieter? We also tend to pay attention to loud and obnoxious people more often than those who display more compassionate and softer behaviors. And from that, it is assumed that the entire planet is filled with obnoxious and tactless people. See our focus pattern here?
I don't associate myself with Christianity at all, yet I enjoy reading stories from the bible and believe I have a direct line to God.. the Great Spirit.. the Creator.. whatever you want to call that. I take my spirituality pretty damned seriously, too. I spend more time communing and "meditating" than I do working or being social. I'm not Pagan, I'm not a Wiccan, I'm not Jewish. I'm not a Buddhist, but I've been to temple. And I'm not opposed to anyone else's religious declarations, either. It's a very private space for me, yet I'm not ashamed to talk about it when asked. I'm tired of so much angst revolving around religion, spirituality, and/or the lack of. Who cares? We all have our own paths to follow in this life. I know what I feel personally, what I've experienced, and that's enough for me. I don't see the need to butt into anyone else's path in this life. And so, I respect everyone else's passions for spiritual belief, too.
I'm not a Native American, yet I built a sweat lodge for prayer in the heart of the woods. If you ask any Native, they'll tell you a sweat lodge is for everybody, anyway. I've never met a Native who was egotistical enough to cry racial appropriation on that one. The whole idea is that we're all one. You're supposed to allow the water in your body (sweat) to mix with the water in nature. And through nature's space, yours blends with the water that is present in everyone else in the world. Sweat and water. We're all one. It doesn't hurt to have a little peace pipe smoke afterwards, either. No, I'll never claim to be any part Native. While I know just about every race was raped and taken hostage at some point & I no doubt have some genes in there somewhere, I don't have enough in my blood to claim it. But I like sweat lodges.
I'm not a Republican. I'm not a Democrat. I guess I'd be.. Independent? I guess I'd be considered closer to an Anarchist than anything else, yet Anarchy in the name alone dictates some sort of group thought- which is kind of hypocritical in its own definition. I've watched people support one or the other like they would a ball team, sporting the appropriate colors and flags, never deterring from the party & refusing to actually listen to what's coming out of the mouths of the candidates. I've talked to Independents who won't vote either Democrat or Republican in some attempt to remain "pure". It's ridiculous, and shows me these people aren't actually paying attention to history or what these people are saying. I've noticed multitudes only voting in presidential elections without taking notice of anything happening in their own state. I've seen people from outside the US weigh in on our elections and reprimand us over things they know nothing about, all the while believing that we have more power than we actually have and not understanding the complexity of what's really going on. We're actually losing our power "as a people" in this country just like everywhere else. And so many are very quick to judge, based on limited information.
I'm a metalhead. But I love folk music like it's the last thing left on earth. I love the tragic stories that inspire the tunes, and the history of its birth. I sometimes wonder if anyone has ever mixed the two...
So in the end, I hate animal cruelty, but I'm not a vegan. I hate being abused by misogynistic men, but I don't assume every man is the same. I read the bible and believe God speaks to me, but I'm not a Christian. I don't have any faith in government at all anymore, but I still go vote because I'm afraid of losing that right. I love living alone and being single, but I still like attention. I have crushes out the wazoo, but they don't transcend into the expectation for intimacy. I love to drink alcohol, but I never get to the point of dizziness or loss of control. I don't smoke cigarettes according to doctors and their definition of how many constitutes "smoking", but I will have one alone occasionally on the mountain when I'm thinking of my great grandfather. I live like a backwoods hippie, but I still purchase collagen cream and spend an hour on detangling my hair every morning. I don't smoke weed, but I love the smell of it and enjoy being around people who do. I think the plants themselves are beautiful, and I used to grow them on my front porch.
Everyone is complicated. It's not only me. When we focus so intently on being one way, we're denying our entirety. When someone says, "Just be you, and this person or that person will love you", which "you" are they referring to? You have about a thousand you's. That's what makes you unique. People are attracted to those who can express not just one, but many sides of their personality. It shouldn't be an embarrassment to show there's more to you than one focus. It's an art to be able to share a conversation with both a corporate leader and a nature conservationist. If we could be less ashamed of our abilities in that regard, the world would flow a little better. I believe we'd be able to make more things happen. I don't see why I should ever dismiss a person according to his or her lifestyle, unless I was talking to a serial killer. And on that note and on the subject of being complex..
While I think the behavior of a serial killer is reprehensible, I'm obsessed with stories of them. I once became so glued to the Charles Manson phenomena that I read every transcript, court document, and every book written about or by the members of the Manson family. I'm intrigued by cult leaders and serial killers. It's insanely interesting. Why? I don't know- I suppose it's because I don't understand it myself and want to know how or why anyone would have the capacity for it. Maybe this is why some people become psychologists.
Bottom line: we're not a one-track minded species. We're complicated, and we're beautiful in that complexity. I've even gotten into the habit of allowing those who feel angst towards me when I've said "no" to them just go ahead and vent their frustration in my direction- without throwing that anger back. It seems to quell everything and filter out the meanness. I don't see why I should respond to anger with more anger. Of course it hurts for a minute and strikes me like a blow to the face, but it's not the end of the world. I've faced worse in my lifetime, and I know I can take it. And in the end, that anger goes away into the night. Isn't that something good? It certainly feels good to me.
And.. goodnight!
So.. wanna get to know the real me?
Yes, I'm building my own house. And I'm not interested in marriage. But I'm not an extremist of the feminist movement who has a problem with men helping me, opening doors for me, or even hitting on me. I find it flattering and don't assign expectations to it. I'm not opposed to admitting when I'm not physically or financially capable of accomplishing what I'm trying to do. I don't turn away help from men when I need it. I don't get defensive to offers, but that rarely happens. I have an uncle who is confused as to why I don't have more guys helping me with physical endeavors for free simply because I am a single woman. I do understand his bewilderment, as he's protective of me and sees me struggling. I'm his niece and he loves me. There's no use in explaining to him that times have changed though, and our current state of politics has made that sort of thing impossible anymore. I appreciate the feminist movement very much. It has accomplished some good things. But I've noticed some extremist groups have broken off in the process, and there's this human phenomena of "jumping on the bandwagon" and blowing things out of proportion. Especially when those behaviors are derived from grouping everyone into hardened categories with no breathing room. And so, our society has changed again. The boys growing into men today feel like they're treading on dangerous waters by simply striking up a conversation with a woman, so they generally don't even do that anymore. Forget trying to help one do something physical, or simply open a door. This all saddens me. I liked having doors opened for me.
While I am not remotely happy about being abused due to my small stature and gender, I am depressed as hell that the gentlemanly drive of old to help and protect women is disappearing. There's a difference. I like being taken up for and protected. I can't always do it myself. And it comes from a place of respect, not belittlement. I think people are getting the instinctual drive to be compassionate confused with misogyny. That's scary to me.
I'm also not too egotistical to admit that men and women are not entirely equal at all levels. I've met very physically strong women capable of things I could never imagine, but not all of us are built that way. I'm 5'4" and 115 pounds. My bones are weak and I have to be careful. I am not equally capable of things a 200 lb, 6 foot tall man can do. So when one of them offers to help me raise a wall or carry a stack of lumber, I'm not going to say no. I appreciate it immensely. Heck, if a giant woman offered to carry that lumber, I'd be just as grateful.
Before two years ago, I was sporting dreadlocks. This was because I'm a Dutch Scott, and my hair is horrendously kinky and thin. I have a lot of it, but it's prone to tangles and fuzz. It dreaded on its own and was turning into something akin to the mud flaps of a truck. I had to either spend over an hour every day getting the tangles out and straightening it, or have it locked up. I chose the latter. And although I did this so I'd not have to be bothered in the mornings with a full hour of hair taming time, there arose several assumptions about me. I was accused of racial appropriation, I was marked a vegan, and people automatically jumped to the conclusion I was smoking copious amounts of weed. I am far from being vegan. I tried it once, and lost so much weight my breasts totally disappeared and I got so weak I couldn't lift myself out of bed. I couldn't financially afford to be vegan in a healthy way, and I've already got a disabling condition that requires a hell of a lot of protein and calcium. (I beg those awestruck on veganism to please refrain from schooling me on how to become vegan and get the appropriate amount of protein.. I'm a special case- and frankly, I don't care as much as you might.)
I don't smoke weed at all; it doesn't make me feel good like it seems to for everyone else who praises it. I become paranoid and feel like killing. It's not a good mix.
I love nature and prefer to live out in the raw romanticism of it as opposed to a giant mansion in Beverly Hills. But loving nature doesn't make me an animal activist, and I have no problem using factory derived building materials. While it looks as though I'm some kind of tough woman out in the wild in small video snippets, building my own home is literally killing me. I live with serious chronic pain that would totally debilitate most people. I don't have the stamina or the physical strength for mixing cob & shaping my walls by hand. I don't have the funds for much reclaimed wood since it's become popular now and the prices have skyrocketed. I don't like mentioning this, as it sounds whiny. So I usually don't, and people don't know and can only come to their own private assumptions as to what I'm doing and why. One drawback to the new trend of earth friendly building is that it has driven up the market value. And this only one way in which economics work. Economics can be complicated, and even good things can have bad consequences. It's a crazy world with no concrete answers.
I don't believe anyone's saving the world by refraining from meat consumption. I don't like factory meat production plants. They're reprehensible. What goes on in those places is quite disgusting and turns my stomach. I'll go shoot a deer, though. And I'll pay a local hunter for meat he's acquired. I'll trap a rabbit and make stew out of it. I'll wring the neck of a chicken and make soup for days. I believe this is a little more merciful than what goes on in a chicken factory. I also believe that plants feel just as much when we maim and kill them as animals do. Why do we believe that a plant can't feel or express, and is a lesser kill than an animal? Because they're quieter? We also tend to pay attention to loud and obnoxious people more often than those who display more compassionate and softer behaviors. And from that, it is assumed that the entire planet is filled with obnoxious and tactless people. See our focus pattern here?
I don't associate myself with Christianity at all, yet I enjoy reading stories from the bible and believe I have a direct line to God.. the Great Spirit.. the Creator.. whatever you want to call that. I take my spirituality pretty damned seriously, too. I spend more time communing and "meditating" than I do working or being social. I'm not Pagan, I'm not a Wiccan, I'm not Jewish. I'm not a Buddhist, but I've been to temple. And I'm not opposed to anyone else's religious declarations, either. It's a very private space for me, yet I'm not ashamed to talk about it when asked. I'm tired of so much angst revolving around religion, spirituality, and/or the lack of. Who cares? We all have our own paths to follow in this life. I know what I feel personally, what I've experienced, and that's enough for me. I don't see the need to butt into anyone else's path in this life. And so, I respect everyone else's passions for spiritual belief, too.
I'm not a Native American, yet I built a sweat lodge for prayer in the heart of the woods. If you ask any Native, they'll tell you a sweat lodge is for everybody, anyway. I've never met a Native who was egotistical enough to cry racial appropriation on that one. The whole idea is that we're all one. You're supposed to allow the water in your body (sweat) to mix with the water in nature. And through nature's space, yours blends with the water that is present in everyone else in the world. Sweat and water. We're all one. It doesn't hurt to have a little peace pipe smoke afterwards, either. No, I'll never claim to be any part Native. While I know just about every race was raped and taken hostage at some point & I no doubt have some genes in there somewhere, I don't have enough in my blood to claim it. But I like sweat lodges.
I'm not a Republican. I'm not a Democrat. I guess I'd be.. Independent? I guess I'd be considered closer to an Anarchist than anything else, yet Anarchy in the name alone dictates some sort of group thought- which is kind of hypocritical in its own definition. I've watched people support one or the other like they would a ball team, sporting the appropriate colors and flags, never deterring from the party & refusing to actually listen to what's coming out of the mouths of the candidates. I've talked to Independents who won't vote either Democrat or Republican in some attempt to remain "pure". It's ridiculous, and shows me these people aren't actually paying attention to history or what these people are saying. I've noticed multitudes only voting in presidential elections without taking notice of anything happening in their own state. I've seen people from outside the US weigh in on our elections and reprimand us over things they know nothing about, all the while believing that we have more power than we actually have and not understanding the complexity of what's really going on. We're actually losing our power "as a people" in this country just like everywhere else. And so many are very quick to judge, based on limited information.
I'm a metalhead. But I love folk music like it's the last thing left on earth. I love the tragic stories that inspire the tunes, and the history of its birth. I sometimes wonder if anyone has ever mixed the two...
So in the end, I hate animal cruelty, but I'm not a vegan. I hate being abused by misogynistic men, but I don't assume every man is the same. I read the bible and believe God speaks to me, but I'm not a Christian. I don't have any faith in government at all anymore, but I still go vote because I'm afraid of losing that right. I love living alone and being single, but I still like attention. I have crushes out the wazoo, but they don't transcend into the expectation for intimacy. I love to drink alcohol, but I never get to the point of dizziness or loss of control. I don't smoke cigarettes according to doctors and their definition of how many constitutes "smoking", but I will have one alone occasionally on the mountain when I'm thinking of my great grandfather. I live like a backwoods hippie, but I still purchase collagen cream and spend an hour on detangling my hair every morning. I don't smoke weed, but I love the smell of it and enjoy being around people who do. I think the plants themselves are beautiful, and I used to grow them on my front porch.
Everyone is complicated. It's not only me. When we focus so intently on being one way, we're denying our entirety. When someone says, "Just be you, and this person or that person will love you", which "you" are they referring to? You have about a thousand you's. That's what makes you unique. People are attracted to those who can express not just one, but many sides of their personality. It shouldn't be an embarrassment to show there's more to you than one focus. It's an art to be able to share a conversation with both a corporate leader and a nature conservationist. If we could be less ashamed of our abilities in that regard, the world would flow a little better. I believe we'd be able to make more things happen. I don't see why I should ever dismiss a person according to his or her lifestyle, unless I was talking to a serial killer. And on that note and on the subject of being complex..
While I think the behavior of a serial killer is reprehensible, I'm obsessed with stories of them. I once became so glued to the Charles Manson phenomena that I read every transcript, court document, and every book written about or by the members of the Manson family. I'm intrigued by cult leaders and serial killers. It's insanely interesting. Why? I don't know- I suppose it's because I don't understand it myself and want to know how or why anyone would have the capacity for it. Maybe this is why some people become psychologists.
Bottom line: we're not a one-track minded species. We're complicated, and we're beautiful in that complexity. I've even gotten into the habit of allowing those who feel angst towards me when I've said "no" to them just go ahead and vent their frustration in my direction- without throwing that anger back. It seems to quell everything and filter out the meanness. I don't see why I should respond to anger with more anger. Of course it hurts for a minute and strikes me like a blow to the face, but it's not the end of the world. I've faced worse in my lifetime, and I know I can take it. And in the end, that anger goes away into the night. Isn't that something good? It certainly feels good to me.
And.. goodnight!
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