My Weird Brain Before The Day Really Starts..

I'm going to simply record all my present morning thoughts without filtering anything or leaving out the stuff that would be questionable. Let me relax for a minute....

Alright.

Something was outside my door last night, feeling like a heavy, foreboding entity. I can't stop thinking about the dog barking for an hour straight at an open, seemingly empty field, which was not her normal behavior by a long shot. Walking to the truck to retrieve my phone from being charged, I felt vulnerable without my pistol. Why did I feel the need to carry simply to run to my car and back? I envisioned an attack at my door, and Harley getting into the fight of her life at the age of six months. It made me cringe and feel helpless. I finally had to calm her down by forcing her into the cabin, covering all the windows and hanging a big blanket over the door, and putting on music with a calming effect in the little battery operated boom box. This morning, the air lifted and it felt as though my invisible visitor had finally departed. I still don't understand that scare..

I think I've found God in the water. I've grown up thinking of this biblical deity as a vengeful, spiteful male authority figure, hating women and possessing the same high ground as a narcissistic serial killer. This is because I spent my formative years in a cult church that focused on the Old Testament in a very unhealthy way. I went on to quit that church, try on all forms of organized spirituality as if I were shopping in a department store, and finally reaching a point where I decided it was all derived from the need for human beings to control and manipulate one another. I dislike spiritual community. I believe that concept can't possibly remain stable, because groups of people eventually taint their attempts at community by splitting into power cliques and competing for control. It seems to happen everywhere I look. I understand spiritual community starts out with a innocent agenda, but I keep seeing it get perverted with that subtle need for control every time. Even if it's simply attitude- that righteous attitude that seeps into small groups like a virus does indeed hurt others. It's a patronizing sort of expectation that remains quiet, but present. It's uncomfortable and distracting.

I believe that true spiritual contact can only be reached in solitude. And not too recently, (over the past year) I've found a pure space in that creek that eternally moves along in front of my cabin, and I could swear I hear voices in it! It was downright hypnotic and it pulled me right in. I felt a peace I hadn't felt in decades, and I could sense a caregiving, kind, and very strong presence. There was no gender to it. While very bizarre, it was also very relaxing. I melted into what I'd call "going with the flow" from then on. I started paying close attention to all the subtleties of it and its surroundings, and began to understand "what to do", from day to day. I never know what I'm supposed to do until I'm supposed to do it, and if I get anxious or stressed, a buzzard appears over my head telling me to be patient. 

Yeah, real insanity shit. they make movies out of that stuff.

The outcome was phenomenal, though. Every time I went down to the water and asked a question, it would be answered within that week. Every time I wanted or desired something, I'd ask for it there- sitting on a rock in the middle of the rushing bubbles and wait for its response. And like clockwork, whatever I'd asked for would land in my lap. It was starting to feel a little spooky, yet intriguing as hell. I woke up to the fact that every tiny thing I'd wanted or needed had been fulfilled for an entire year, beginning with the moment I gave myself to this.. whatever it was. I was physically healing, I was taken care of, and I was content for the first time in my life. I was even given money. This is not an exaggeration. I'll lend the details- I wanted to go on a cruise; totally frivolous and recreational. I didn't need to go on a cruise; but this was something I wanted badly. I figured, what the heck? I'll just ask for it. Everything else I wanted has come to pass since I've been "going with the flow", whatever that was. And so I asked. I also knew I needed more money to get my cabin secured for winter. And the very next day, I received a check for 5,000 dollars- a fraction of an inheritance I hadn't expected. So I booked my cruise ticket and bought everything I needed to stay warm and comfortable through the winter. And that's only one request.. I don't want to mention the others; they're private. I'll just say that I was taken care of. And it kept happening as long as I kept "doing what I was supposed to do", according to what I heard from the water and the woods.

I decided I'd been talking to God. I think I have a direct line and don't want to interrupt it with anything from the outside, so I refuse to tell anyone the details, direct location, or name of what I heard in the water. I believe that it needs to remain untouched, sacred, and I was drawn to this space and routine for a reason.

Ready to call the asylum on me yet?? I've got more...

I think I've decided to be celibate. There's no reason behind it. It has nothing to do with religion or spirituality. I don't fear anything from hypothetical relationships. If anything, I believe physical intimacy seems to make people confused and act delusional. I have a lot to do around here, and don't really think about it much. And since I've gone over half a year without it and still don't think about it, why don't I try being celibate? It might be interesting. If I get bored with it, I guess I'll stop. But I'm curious to see how long I can go...

Of course, it might be ever so remotely tied in with the whole talking to God thing... it has completely taken my mind far away from being interested in that physical sort of thing. I seem to enjoy sharing things conjured from the mind and spirit more than things conjured from the body these days. Except for exercise.. I do spend a lot of time keeping myself in shape. It feels good. And on that note, I still like attention. I am still a woman, and enjoy feeling sexy. But I don't have a need for it to transcend to intimate contact... odd, huh? 

And on that note, I have become obsessed with keeping my physical body toned and slim, keeping my space organized and very clean, and taking vitamins. I can't go to sleep until my cabin is clean. I can't be sedentary during the day, despite the weather. I rest about once a week, relaxing all day long, nursing a pot of coffee or tea, and reading books. I could go through a novel a day if I wanted to.. it's hard to put them down.

I feel like I've let the blue heron down this morning. I have a giant blue heron who routinely visits me; right near my door (since my door is just a step and a skip to that magical creek). He grazes by the water in the early mornings, allowing me to watch his feeding excursions. He's beautiful, and I never tire of his lovely wingspan and occasional peek in my direction before flying off. I was in a rush this morning, figuring out I'd have to drive 40 minutes to town to obtain dog food because I hadn't realized my little beast was out of it. So we made a bunch of noise, her all anxious and sparky, and rode to town and back. I was coming up the driveway and Harley was jumping hysterically, trying to insert herself into the bag of food as I walked, when the gorgeous bird was spooked and flew away. It left me with the feeling that I'd disappointed our morning connection. He doesn't come around every day, but when he does, we watch each other curiously.

Well, that's it. My coffee's dwindling, the day's beckoning me to go out and do something before bad weather sets in, and the creek is singing to me again. That old creepy presence from last night has left completely with the help of a raging fire, a prayer, and Indian corn hanging on the door. Don't ask me why; for some reason it doesn't like corn. I'm "supposed to" take a little hike up past the laurel tree by the old barn today.. I'm sure I'll be infused with its reasoning when I get there. It usually happens that way. Then I'll retreat back to the cabin and visit my sacred spot by the water again.

This has been an uninterrupted, open and vulnerable stream of consciousness, unfiltered and left alone for the most part. I did go back and spell check and look for any minor grammatical errors. It's already a mess; no need to make it hard to read as well. This was written in about 25-30 minutes.  I'm hotspotting out here and don't have much time to write online. And please don't call the asylum; I don't think I could handle being restrained or locked up anywhere.