Volume 2: Connecting To Life- Getting A Handle On Jealousy

Second part of what I started. Due to tech issues, it was easier to write than to try and make a video about this. 

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One of the biggest blows to our connection with life and creativity is the participation in the destruction of love. The most popular way of destroying love is surrendering to jealousy.

I'm going to put out a radical idea. We can control jealousy and in some situations, even kill it. I'm willing to wager that most women are not as jealous of one another as mainstream media implies we are, and not everybody who's living below the poverty line hates wealthy people. I'm going to chance that we've all been emotionally scammed; that this big hoax has caused some terrible damage that can be fixed, despite its dismal outlook. I've had a lot of practice fixing bad situations. I don't believe in impossible. I've gone from hopeless to dignified in a day. Anyone else can, too. Getting a handle on jealousy can be broken down into steps, the first being to stop and take a listen to what you believe you need. Remember my video I just uploaded about connecting to the life force and healing? This is something I've had to learn that has helped me to forge that link to life and spirit. I'm human and imperfect. There was a time when I would let jealousy kick me in the pants, too.

Jealousy, if left to its own and allowed to grow out of control, will destroy anyone's self respect and good nature. It's a natural emotion, and you should never be ashamed of feeling it; yet, you can keep it from consuming you and causing problems. Just stop giving it so much power. We do have control over how much we allow an emotion to take over us. Jealousy isn't really that big of a problem. The problem is the belief that you- yourself, are inadequate in some big way that's going to cause you to lose what you need. It stems from fear and a primitive need to survive. So what do you need? Most of us need to feel some degree of love, respect, and to believe we have some sort of friend base. Loneliness is frightful. I'm not talking about personal time and privacy. I'm talking about the fear that you're going to live the rest of your life without any sort of companionship at all, and then die alone somewhere in the middle of a big, abandoned house with a thousand cats who'll come dine on your rotting bones. Sounds ridiculous, huh? Well this is an example of how our minds like to work when we start letting fear get the best of us. Our imaginations go into overdrive and we start believing in the most foolish things we can dream up.

This foolish dreaming applies to jealousy in a big way. Classic example: Someone has a crush on someone's significant other, and feels a knife slice through their gut when they see a New Years picture of that couple kissing at the stroke of midnight and in the middle of a crowd. How romantic. How selfish. Why the F@*! do they do that!? Are they trying to hurt your feelings? Are they rubbing it in for meanness? What horrible people they have suddenly become! Hate.. hate.. hate.. like the drumbeat of smoke coming from a steam engine...

This is what we do. We blow everything out of proportion, allow jealousy to shoot us through the heart, and impulsively decide we hate each other as a consequence. Because how can we be happy for other people when we're not getting our own, most basic and deepest needs met? When you're feeling that emptiness and heartbreak, the last thing you want to see is someone prancing around in front of you, showing off their life trophies with a dumb grin on their face. Right? Logic aside here- we can't possibly think pragmatically and with compassion when we're in emotional pain. And side effect- it causes the person we're targeting to start acting like a jackass, too. Cause and effect. A slow snowball of hate rolling down the land. So let's work on that.

Jealousy is present when we feel we're lacking. If you don't lack, you don't feel it as much. While it's natural to feel some degree of it, as with any emotion, it's possible to make that degree so small that it becomes hardly noticeable. The trick comes in three steps: Check Your Heart, Shift focus, Engage Love. Check, Shift, Love. You're driving this car.

Check Your Heart. What is the real, underlying reason I feel this way right now? Be honest, and don't fear the answer. This is where you really don't want to brush off what's really bothering you. In order to fix something, you have to understand the problem. No one's around. It's just you, so tell yourself the truth. Once you have your answer, I'll bet it's not as bad as your head was trying to make you believe it was. Speaking your fear out loud has a way of taking away its power, so do it. Let's go back to the New Years kiss example. Did you know if you decide to be straight with the woman you're jealous of, find a way to really love her, put an effort into being her friend (really be her friend- don't pretend out of a manipulative agenda), and admit to her you have a crush on her boyfriend, that crush starts to lose its intensity? Try it. It actually works. Keeping impulsive crushes inside and avoiding the people you're jealous of works against you, and builds up a fantasy that has no merit. It makes your jealous feelings stronger, and eventually, builds up an unhealthy obsession that puts you on a long road of emotional pain. There's a way to be honest without holding on to this kind of destructive hallucination. Just drop the ego. Embrace reality. It's not as bad as previously imagined. We tend to cling to fantasies we want, regardless of their degree of absurdity. If you feel you honestly love this person you're crushing on, you will be just as content to become friends with them and the people they love. Over time and as you get to know them on a more realistic level, you'll usually come to find the crush fades and there's no desire to bed them anymore. This is one of the best tricks to calming down a crush. Don't pretend it doesn't exist. That's just as equally harmful, and it disrespects everyone involved. Just become honest about it & challenge yourself with the notion that you can allow yourself to feel it and relax about the whole thing. You don't have to cross any dangerous boundaries. No one does. And when everyone's aware, it changes the entire energy of the situation. The tension goes away. Don't ever think people can't sense when there's tension in the air.

I'm not a stranger to crushes. I get about ten crushes a month. I'm a living, breathing woman. If one of my crushes happens to have a partner, I usually end up loving their partner just as much. Most often, in any healthy relationship, the person's partner is an extension of themselves. That's an easy realization. And that person becomes easy to love and hard to hate. Just give them a chance.

And while my crushes might never completely disappear, they sure do lose their edge. It's absolutely possible to have healthy and deep friendships with people you have crushes on. I do it all the time. I've attended barbecues in summer with couples I've had mad crushes on, I've openly joked about it, and everyone has had a good laugh. Crushes aren't the end of the world. They don't have to retain a serious tone, either. So take that intensity away. They're perfectly natural, and we all have the same feelings.

Once you know what's really going on with you as opposed as some impulsive, topical crush, move on to figuring out respectable ways of fixing it. Respectable, because no matter what, you do not want to lose your self respect while attending to this problem. That's counter productive, and any rewards will be short lived. The step of checking your heart (and soul) is the most important step here, because it is going to become the entire center of your future. These things always run much deeper than a crush or a sense of competitiveness. You might find you've just been ignoring your need to pursue a dream put out of mind a long time ago- simply because life got busy.

Shift Focus. Once we understand exactly what ails us, it's time to get proactive and put everything we've got into obtaining what it is we need. The trick to this step is to not let yourself believe you need exactly what this person you're jealous of has. For example, the girl he's kissing. The boy she's kissing. Not that one. Hopefully, we've been honest with ourselves and haven't allowed that crush to paint rose colors on our lenses. Hopefully, we've come to the understanding that it's simply been awhile since we hooked up with someone on a holiday we were excited about being close to. Hopefully, we're just missing a bit of fire- that might even come from something completely different than a breathing person. And hopefully, we've realized this jealousy came from a delusional fear of being incapable of attracting that same thing into our own lives. Once you start searching your heart, all sorts of epiphanies can happen. In all honesty, jealousy usually doesn't have that much to do with the particular people we're jealous of. It's a mind trick. Our brains have a way of softening things up a bit and brushing off the truth in order to make us feel better. Sometimes it's just easier to be jealous and refrain from focusing on our own truths.

Focusing on healing our own mind, body and soul at this point is vital. There's nothing sexier than someone who's comfortable in their own skin, someone who's found the things they enjoy, and someone sharing their genuineness with the world around them. This is a true, unaffected and open state of mind, and it's hot. It attracts. It moves mountains. So stop focusing on a picture of someone else, or an idea which may or may not be true, and focus on moving the mountain- with your own beauty. And you do have it.

After you've found your soul again, it's time to Engage Love. When we're healthy and in a state of contentment, it's easier to love. And by love, I don't mean seducing your neighbor. I mean opening your heart to people around you- and especially those who cause a slight pang of jealousy to rise in you. Get out of the comfort zone and open the mind. We're all human, most of us have the same basic fears and desires, and it's not that hard to find compassion when we're in the mood to do so. At this point, a cool & unexpected thing happens. You usually find out that person you were jealous of is really nice to hang out with. Everything starts to feel different. And the jealousy wilts away quicker than lettuce in the oven. (That's all it was in the first place- a lone piece of lettuce that can't hold its water in the heat.) Jealousy needs to stay cold. Counter it with warmth, and it will die. Realize the power of making an effort, communicating with some class, and being open and warm with people. Anyone who's able to employ this kind of charm in their lives has already won, and I'm not afraid to guarantee their futures will be happier.

We can make our minds a temple as well as our bodies, and that involves just as much effort as exercising the muscles. Depression comes from sedentary thinking. Mental laziness accounts for most of that jealousy, simply because it's comfortable and we're used to feeling it. It leads to anger and resentment and a lifetime of heartache. Hatred and Anger isn't powerful, and it doesn't demand respect. It's cowardly. It takes a brave soul to unravel this archaic idea and try something else.

Comfort zones can be deadly. We all need a break once in awhile and we need to feel comfortable. But don't ever let that replace getting out there and doing something. I've seen so many people rot away into nothing from mental and social lethargy.

Oh my god, I just ate an entire, giant sized bag of m&ms.

Final thoughts, and a personal note from the bottom of my own heart:

I promise, from the perspective of that woman who once dated a man who drew women in like the pied piper, honesty is the best policy. My ex was a charming, good looking, successful and generous young man. I watched many women trip all over themselves in front of him. The only time I had a problem with someone's crush on him was when she pretended I didn't exist, or decided to be dishonest about it. I respected and loved those who came to me and never hid anything. Those who opted to become my friend. I appreciated it to a degree I can't even explain. If anyone thinks it's lonely being without a companion on New Years Eve, try being ostracized and avoided out of hate and jealousy. Try feeling like no other woman trusts you to be a decent human being, capable of handling the truth. It's a terrible feeling.

I wish everyone a year full of love, new experiences, and new truths. I wish everyone the courage to speak their minds and retain a degree of class that melts the hearts of everyone around them.