Women and the Bad Side of Competitiveness

It's easy to associate men with competitive natures, but there's a tendency to shy away from the fact that women are even more so. We're supposed to be softer and behaviorally submissive. To be anything else is usually considered ugly or unattractive by long lived standards. We can actually be more competitive with each other than men are with one another, and we do tend to be. This translates, over time, in the tendency to avoid each other instead of daring make eye contact or acknowledging each other's strengths. We even stop appreciating one another's physical beauty. In lieu of admiring one another, most of us will get downright mean and withdraw our affection. While we are more naturally inclined to hug, touch each other and show affection than men in our communications, we've decided to refrain from doing so with women we find physically attractive. Instead, we'll just avoid eye contact and any closeness at all, which goes against what most of us are wired to do as social creatures and as women. It's a competitive tactic born out of fear. And it shows weakness.

Sometimes this transcends into the belief that we have nothing in common with other women. We can even make ourselves believe we hate or feel annoyance with women, preferring the company of men only. I believe it's false and derived from passing quick judgment and assuming based on stereotypes (something we preach against, by the way). I believe it's a symptom of “queen bee syndrome”, the desire to be the only one in the room who deserves attention and respect. It's a female version of the way egotistical college boys might goad and get condescending towards another man while trying to drunkenly and aggressively win the affections of a girl at a frat party. Yes, we do it, too. Just more manipulatively.

It has terrible consequences, and will always result in pushing away some possibly incredible bonds and relationships. It creates a serious social imbalance in life, and a girl can end up missing out on some really good things. Don't we want our lives to be as full and rich as possible? Love and honesty should be stronger than fear, not weaker. Over time, we can even make ourselves believe that any degree of physical contact is something wrong and sexual instead of healthy and nurturing. We can become downright terrified of one another, resulting in passive aggressive behavior, manipulation, and jealousy. And those three things cause intense depression. And what's worse? Remember how every higher power uses peoples' insecurities and fears to cause them to turn on one another in our society? It happened with slavery. It happened with the rich vs the poor. It happens every day with women. We are buying into the propaganda that's keeping us "controlled". We're helping the problem. Think about it.

Of course I'm not advocating that we run up and get grabby with each other at social events and luncheons. We've just gotten to a point where we're afraid of each other to a dangerous degree. What happens when we're all too afraid to touch one another on the shoulder and give a hug once in awhile? What happens when we get too uncomfortable to look each other in the eye anymore? Women have an incredible power behind their ability to nurture and show compassion. It's strong. It's forgiving on a level that sometimes defies logic. It's one of the most healing things on the planet. To be deprived of that kind of unconditional love is to experience a detached, empty sort of loneliness. And there is never a good outcome to that kind of thing. We just drift away and apart, wondering one day why we feel such a void in our lives.

I think a bit of a competitive nature is healthy, but not when it comes to things like taking away the chance for other women to receive attention and respect. Competitiveness is better served when it comes to sports and job markets and more honorable contests. Not breaking down a person's self esteem and promoting more hate or backlash upon society.

It takes courage to be uncomfortable enough to make an effort to love and respect another woman openly in this day and age. You can't do it in any honesty with an unhealthy agenda, or a secret need to take something away from her. And we, as women, can always see that agenda a mile away. So I propose we all try relaxing more in each other's presence, and giving each other more of a chance instead of making fast judgments and practicing avoidance. I propose we all work on our sense of fear regarding emotional compassion and light physical affections. And I'm not talking about sexuality. I'm talking about a healthy ability to give and receive things like hugs, handshakes, and to hold each other's hands when we're about to fall down, both emotionally and physically. Remember- women who look the most unapproachable sometimes have the softest & most passionate hearts of the bunch, so let's give each other a break. And not over the head.

-Christine Greyson

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