Anger Management

I try to post the more positive aspects of my life and encourage hope and growth in my social media posts as much as I can. But I don't want to imply that I, like anyone else who is human, don't go through dark moments. It's a part of life. To completely pretend it doesn't exist is to take away a giant part of emotional evolution. It diminishes reality and what it takes to become better, stronger.

I had a very dark weekend. I spent three days battling with my very personal ability to keep my wits together while dealing with someone who was relentlessly trying to take things away from me. Important life things. My home, my companion and protector (my dear dog), and my sense of self worth. Situations like this find us all at some point, and challenges our capacity to hang onto that very intimate, once unshaken, privately claimed faith system that gets us through the most intense decisions of our lives. It tests our ability to stay strong and stand our ground. I don't generally talk about personal details of this sort, due to my respect for people's privacy. There's no need in this case. I will, however, try and remind anyone who needs to be reminded of the importance of perseverance.

This world is so full of manipulative tactics meticulously designed to obtain personal indulgence and keep others under control. While I do love people, I also know there are many who unfortunately lower themselves to these tactics and thus, force me to feel as though I must build an emotionally defensive wall. I might be open minded and adore some degree of naivety, but I'm not a doormat. One of the most intense and incredible things we all have to learn to do is balance almost everything in our lives. That's not always easy. Part of the balancing act is learning to understand that things like anger are legitimate, natural emotions that aren't “bad” in their entirety. It's okay to get angry. What's not okay is to let that anger take over you and turn you into a puppet for impulsive, destructive action. It's easier said than done, though. I ended up spending the night with some vodka and prayer, and tonight I'm feeling a bit easier with my last glass of wine and a deliberate atmosphere of silence. I need that silence that sweeps over me like a security blanket. This time, it took me a while to calm down.

I did take this time to focus on something completely different, in order to “reset”. I don't like to let my communicative skills lapse, and I decided I needed to replace my angry thoughts with something more constructive. So I decided to practice some very common, basic improvisational exercises. Now this doesn't mean I ignored the situation at hand. I certainly did my best to stand my ground, remain direct with logistics of solving the situation and diplomatically compromise without allowing myself to be taken advantage of. I did all that. But then I needed to decompress. And so I went out into the woods and played like I was eight years old again. By myself. Oh.. the dog was there..

I like improvisational exercises. They build up communicative skills and keep us from lapsing in social situations. And they're so much fun.. even alone. One such exercise is to point at an object and call it something it isn't. For instance, you point at a tree, and call it a car. Or blue. Or spaghetti. Our brains are very well trained to recognize habitual things and learned images and objects. This exercise challenges that and brings us into another mode of thinking. An imaginative one. You'll find it terribly hard the first time you try, as you are so inclined to recognize that tree as a tree, and nothing else. You'll find yourself pausing and trying to come up with another thought immediately. This is not always the easiest thing to do. Once you get good at it though, this amazing thing happens. Your head starts to come up with all sorts of scenarios and stories, and it becomes easier to think on the spot. It's kind of incredible. The second exercise is even more fun, but can make a person feel silly. Because they're talking to themselves.

You imagine you have an imaginary friend standing in front of you. You are going to speak for that imaginary friend and yourself as well. Your friend hands you an invisible box; a gift. You open the box and look inside. Out loud, you say, “Thank you for this ____!” (and fill in the blank.. with whatever comes to your mind.) Your friend replies with, “Oh, you're welcome.. I knew you wanted it for/because ___.” You will have to quickly think of “your friend's” response. So you're acting out a scene between two people and you must very quickly come up with an entire conversation and become two people at once. It really does exercise the brain a bit. I absolutely love doing these two things.

So I was in the field past the woods, talking out loud to myself while my dog was following and running around excitedly at my strange conversation with the air. The stress of the weekend began to weaken, and I suddenly realized I was reverting back to my childhood. There was a time when I could do this easily. My mind was ripe with ideas and imagination, and I was playing little games and creating little scenarios that played out like movies. Now I was reaching my 47^th birthday, and having to use “exercises” to remember how to play. Why do we lose that ability? Just because it's the prime territory of children doesn't mean it should be discredited. We really don't give children the respect they deserve in their imaginative communication skills. This is an incredible thing! We could be using it for so much.

We should all remember how to play. I believe play is an important way to achieve a level of ingenuity we could all be implementing in things like our work, as well as our social grace. Why do we demonize play? While I walked around the misty mountain field, I realized my first instinct at my awareness that I was acting like a child was shame. This was a learned response. I felt ashamed for exercising my imagination. How awful was that?! How dare I cower to another manipulation tactic designed to keep me under control; giving up my right to play simply because I've been around and existing for four decades. Who would initially want to take away people's instinct to play? Think about it. This promotes new ideas and forward thinking. Who wants to keep people from forward thinking? And why?

Hang onto your heart. Hang onto your child like notions. You're an adult, and you've lived a full life. You are absolutely entitled to use all those things you've learned and experienced. Even play time. So don't demonize yourself for ever wanting to feel and experience those moments again. Those experiences are something to love and cherish.