Man vs Woman : Dating Confusion & the Chaos of Love

Let's bring the world together.

I'm kind of tired of the man-woman war. Most of the angst seems to stem from the fact that the languages of men and women are two different ones, and everyone's babble is getting lost in translation. There is man-code, and there is woman-speak. And if you don't truly love the opposite sex, you're not going to put in the time to learn it. Heck, you don't even have to put in that much time. There are translations all over cyberspace! We've made it easy! So let's get in there. It will be fun. Nothing feels better than just jumping right into the fire of love.

First things first. I'm a woman, and I know we have a tendency to do something that would be considered annoying to men and perfectly sane and pragmatic to other women. When it comes to dating, women want to list and hash out all the details of what they want before we even get started. Mostly, this all goes overboard and we've blown it within the first five minutes. The man has jumped ship, and she's bewildered and hurt. The best example I can give is a woman's online dating profile. (well, most of them.. I'm talking in mainstreams here for simplicity) There's a difference between a dating profile and an application for employment. Don't list every tiny thing you're looking for in a man. Women need more than men do in order to get turned on. Everybody knows this. To actually list it out in a profile is daunting. You're gonna scare the nails out of him. So just ditch half of that profile and get to know him in person. It's much more exciting to get to know someone face to face, rather than try to set up a romantic scenario online. Exploration and mystery is always more fun.

Dating is meant to be a little more laid back and pleasant than a crash course in what you demand in a future partnership with a followup exam. I know we lead busy lives and are wired to multi-task, but you're taking the romance out of love, girls. Don't go looking for a husband. Don't even go looking for a boyfriend. Just go have some fun and relax. You do remember how to relax?

Now let me explain a little bit of man-code for ya. First of all, man code is based in the idea that if a question or sentence can somehow insinuate sex, it will. This was one I was surprised to hear a lot of women didn't know.. There was a lady who started off her profile online with, “Not looking for a relationship, just want to have fun.” Now this lady did NOT mean she wanted to have sex. She was totally unaware that men interpreted the line like this: “I'm looking for a one night stand.” This lady simply wanted to take things slowly, have a good time on her date, and not be expected to hop into a serious relationship immediately. She probably wasn't even thinking of sex. “A good time” means something to the effect of hanging out at the beach on a Saturday, or making pottery while drinking at a local art cafe to most women. It has nothing in the world to do with sex. Unless you are a celebrity, rock star or male model, we're not even thinking of immediately having sex with you. And if you are  one of these things, the only reason we're thinking of sex first is because we've built up some sort of illusion in our heads and over romanticized you and ourselves living in an unrealistic fantasy after watching you charm millions of people for years on a digital screen or record player, and we think we know you. Deep down inside we know we don't, but we dooooo.... 

Now let's learn some more man code. The word “Romantic”. Most women assume men know what the hell they're talking about when they ask their guy to be more “romantic”. Men however, hear the word “romantic” and must try and decipher exactly what she means. Romantic is an abstract term and can mean something completely different to two different women. Men know this. And so the first thing he's going to do is try to remember what he's been told is romantic through movies, and maybe even past lovers. Maybe that's an ex-girlfriend who liked rom-coms and a lot of stinky candles. But maybe his current lover is a different kind of woman. Maybe her idea of romance is a rock climb through the Rockies and catching frogs. In any regard, he's probably gonna get it wrong. Because he didn't get a straight answer. He was just told to be romantic. A good solution is to let him know what you want to do. Instead of saying, “we don't get romantic anymore”, say “I miss us grabbing a cheap bottle of whiskey and running down to the river and listening to you play your acoustic under the moon.”

And women are really much easier than you think, guys. All we really want is your undivided attention, your verbal admission that you'd punch an asshole in the face if he tried grabbing our bum in that short skirt we like wearing so much, and your unconditional support for us wearing that short, problematic skirt in the first place. Because we should SO be free to wear any little sexy thing we want and have our man in full bouncer mode while at the same time establishing the fact that he's totally secure in all this. Right?

Seriously though. Women are not hard. We want to have fun, enjoy attention, feel protected, yet feel independent. There's a balance there. And women- it would be helpful if you didn't put your poor guy in a dangerous position. If you want to flaunt that gorgeous body alongside your date and enjoy the attention from crowds, maybe don't do it in a biker bar. We can compromise.

Women are generally on the lookout for someone who shows genuine gratitude for them spiritually, mentally, and physically. Men are generally on the lookout for the same thing, but in reverse order. Nature then sneaks its way in there too, causing some chaos when it stimulates hormones and primitive instincts. We all somehow think we're “above” our natural impulses and feelings. 

I hope this wasn't taken too seriously. I have a dark and sometimes very dry sense of humor, and this was meant to be entertaining. I know you can't categorize men or women, but you sure can make fun of them. I suppose I just get a little taken back sometimes at the magnitude of dating confusion and dramatics. I think it's comical. We take things so seriously I'm surprised everyone hasn't dropped dead of stress induced heart attacks. Yes, love is sometimes painful and sometimes climactic, and sometimes as dull as a sun bleached bone. I've never really taken it that seriously. I suppose I should, because everyone else does. And it does cause some pretty serious emotions. And people have a hard time with their emotions. But then I'm also fortunate enough to sit back and talk about all these things in a somewhat disassociated manner, as I've been experimenting with celibacy for the past year and watching it all on the sidelines. When you do that, you notice it gets a little funnier. Someone asked me to write about this celibacy experiment, and I may do that one day when I'm bored. Or I may not. It doesn't matter, really. What matters in this life is being alive and healthy, and genuinely learning to love people without expecting them to bang you. I've never really had problems dating when I was dating, because I honestly do love men. They're beautiful, mysterious, complicated, very direct and forthcoming (if you learn man code) and can be a lot of fun. I hope one day to see an end to the gender wars, because they're very depressing and hostile (and futile). I hate seeing people miserable and confused over things that are unnecessary to be miserable and confused about. Just open your mind, ease off on the expectations a little, and give each other a fighting chance. All it takes is a little bit of patience, a lot of forgiveness, some listening skills, personal security, emotional strength, self discipline, charming skills, attitude adjustments, spontaneity, responsibility, class....